Thursday, 31 December 2020

Uganda Police Force, give us yogurt for 2021

The crowd-control methods employed by the Uganda Police Force are as barbaric as they are disdainful.

At the bottom of the UPF insignia are the words “Protect & Serve”.

On the UPF website (https://www.upf.go.ug/), their vision is stated as “An Enlightened, Motivated, Community Oriented, Accountable and Modern Police Force; geared towards a crime free society” (sic), and their mission is “To secure life and property in a committed and professional manner in partnership with the Public, in order to promote development”.

This is not reflection, even faintly, of the actions of an institution I have witnessed over the years.

Video footage is widely available of the rank and file of the force behaving more like brute beasts than partners with the public. They relish beating people to within inches of their lives, fire live ammunition at them, and generally behave like demoniacs in uniform.

 Image credit: rightsafrica.com

After each episode of their wanton bloodletting, they have the mouth of Enanga Fred to sanitize their runaway insanity. He liberally spouts lie after lie in front of the cameras while keeping his round face straighter than Lucifer’s.

I have tried to reconcile the vision of UPF and their actions, and failed miserably.

That was until I came across a small article on the Wikipedia website about the origins of the force.

“The Uganda Police Force was established in 1906 by the British administration. At that time, it was referred to as the Uganda Armed Constabulary with the primary responsibility of quelling “riots and unrest”.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uganda_National_Police)

For the curious, to quell means “to thoroughly overwhelm and reduce to submission or passivity”.

Does that sound to you like “protect and serve”, “secure life and property”, or “community oriented”? Wonder no more. The Uganda Police Force was founded to quell riots. That is their DNA, that is who they are. As they say, a dog that bites is a dog that bites.

It has been relatively quiet since the last major quelling that ended with scores of citizens killed or maimed by the guns of the Force. Do not be fooled, that it is the calm before a storm. With campaigns heating up across the country, it is a matter of time before our protectors unleash upon us more teargas and bullets.

Mr. Inspector General of Police, let your men and women go ahead and spray us liberally with teargas, lest you be publicly reprimanded for sleeping on your job. However, in the spirit of the festive season which is upon us, I have a suggestion for you.

Instead of teargas, kindly use vanilla-scented theatrical smoke, and in place of that stinging pink liquid, use strawberry-flavored yogurt.

Imagine our collective pleasant surprise when you lob teargas canisters at us in the middle of a violent quelling, and as we flee your raging wrath, we get engulfed in the sweet aroma of vanilla. As we come to our senses and wonder if Christ has indeed returned to earth, you drench us in strawberry yogurt. Images and videos of complete strangers hugging and frenziedly licking the yogurt off each other will be beamed across the world.

That could mark the beginning of your redemption, a forgettable year never to be forgotten.

Happy 2021 officers, men and women of Uganda Police Force.


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